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***** = masterpiece
**** = a "must-see"
*** = entertainment
** = so-so
* = bad. Not even a funny sort
of bad, like "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Just: bad.
Categories (click one, or scroll down for more recent reviews):
ACTION/ADVENTURE, COMEDY, DOCUMENTARY, DRAMA, HORROR, SCIENCE FICTION/FANTASY, SUSPENSE, WEIRD MOVIES, OTHER
NOTE: the designation "(review to be provided as time permits)" really means "I will never get around to providing the review for this movie". But, the number of stars is an accurate read of how well I liked it.
MY MOVIE REVIEW QUALIFICATIONS
As a friend (also named Rob) pointed out to me recently, there are no official qualifications for being a movie critic. It's not like I'm trying to do heart surgery. Why is Gene Siskell's opinion so much more valid than mine? For that matter, I'd think my opinion should have greater weight than theirs. Why? Well, those fancy-pants movie critics get to watch their movies in a theater most of the time. The atmosphere is perfect for watching a movie: perfect sound, perfect picture, no distractions. I, on the other hand, rarely get to see my movies in a theater. I have to watch on the sofa with 2 yipping dogs and a crying baby on hand. Usually, I'm making bottles for the baby, or my lunch for the next day, while I'm watching the movie. I'm also a total gentleman as a husband, refilling my wife's wine glass when it starts to get low.
Sometimes, I don't even get to watch the whole movie. Here's what happened when I tried to watch the movie "Girl Fight": During the previews, my wife takes a bath. As soon as the movie starts, my wife suddenly remembers that she has to call her sister, so she gets on the phone. She talks for a good 10 minutes while I get the remote and increase the volume. She's finally done talking, so she hangs up. After one minute of watching the movie, she says "This movie sucks. Do you mind if we see what's on TV?" And I, being the overly accomodating husband, says "Yeah, no problem." I can tell you that the movie was probably a *** movie, but I had the idea that it would have improved to a ****. So, you can rent that one at your own risk.
And another thing. When was the last time you heard Gene Siskell say: "I'm not totally sure if this was a good movie or a great one because I was really wasted when I watched it" or "This movie was so stupid that I shut it off half an hour into it"? Exactly: he, and other "legit" reviewers, are missing an important aspect of viewing a movie.
In other words, I'm able to evaluate a movie under hazardous conditions...conditions that you, the movie-goer, can relate to. If I can watch a movie under those conditions and enjoy it, I can certainly tell you if you'd like it under more ideal ones.
NEW REVIEWS
Okay. I admit it: I've gotten lazy. I've seen an incredible number of movies - some of them remarkably good - but I haven't done any new reviews. But, I've been careful to record the star rating of my movies in case I ever get around to doing a review. I've gradually started to record these reviews; look for the ones in bold red for those appearing at a theater near you. To make it somewhat easier, I'll split the list into ones I highly recommend, those that are passable, and those that must be avoided at all costs:
MUST SEE (meaning just that: stop what you're doing and go see them!)
Bridgett Jones' Diary - *****
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - ****1/2 - Angelina Jolie is the female Indiana Jones in this fast-paced adventure to locate the missing pieces of the All-Seeing Eye, which allows the holder to control time. I think I'm in love!
O Brother Where Art Thou? - ****1/2 - A sort of retelling of Homer's "The Odyssey", if Odysseus were a charming singer (played by George Clooney) from in the 1930s American south, and if the Odyssey were an off-beat comedy. And, rather than heroically vanquishing his foes as he tries to make his way back to home and his wife (Holly Hunter), he ends up being a first class screw-up. Actual comparisons to the classic tale are subtle (such as, the cyclops is a big guy - John Goodman - with an eye patch), but they'll add another level of interest for mythology buffs.
Sex and the City (series compilations) - ***** - Any one of the season compilations is brilliant. Every episode deals with some issue related to relationships, particularly as it related to sex. If you don't have HBO, or if you do and you've missed the first two seasons - as we have - then you owe it to yourself to check this out.
Shanghai Noon - ****1/2 - Terrific blend of comedy, action, and "buddy film". Jackie Chan is at his spectacularly acrobatic, goofball best as a member of the Chinese Imperial Guard sent to recover the kidnapped princess in the American Old West. Owen Wilson is his equally silly counterpart as a gunslinger who fancys himself a big-time outlaw. Hey, my wife liked it, and she doesn't even like Action films.
The Sopranos (series compilations) - ***** - A masterpiece on par with the best of "The Godfather" or "Goodfellas". The acting and story-telling is top notch. As with Sex and the City, this is a must-have whether you have HBO or not.
Traffic - **** - Multiple Academy Award-winning story of drug trafficking in and around Los Angeles, told from various perspectives. The acting and directing are top-notch, with special "parched sun" lighting effects accompanying scenes on the Mexican side of the story.
EXCELLENT (also definitely worth a look)
Anti-trust - **** - Excellent thriller about a whiz programmer (Ryan Phillippe) who starts work for a Microsoft-type company, and accidentally uncovers a diabolical plot by the owner (Tim Robbins as a Bill Gates-type) to control the world.
Holy Smoke - **** - Kate Winslett is a cult member, and Harvey Keitel is a man who specializes in "deprogramming" rescued cult members. The story takes a strange turn when Keitel starts to have romantic feelins for her, and she in turn uses that to her advantage to manipulate him. Disturbing to watch toward the end, but the acting is outstanding.
Road Trip - **** - I thought, since this movie features Tom Green, that this would be a really stupid movie. It was actually very entertaining. Green is only a part of it, albeit the goofiest (and funniest) part. The movie is about a college student, Josh, who videotapes himself cheating on his out-of-state girlfriend, then accidentally mails her the videotape instead of a tape of himself singing to her. The Road Trip then ensues to go from Ithica, NY, to Austin, TX, to recover the tape. Very well done.
Snatch - **** - My wife made me shut this off after 5 minutes because it's a "Guy Film" (which I hear it certainly is). It's supposed to be really good, though, so I'll watch the whole thing eventually, and provide a review here.
The Tao of Steve - **** - I only wish I had known the subtle techniques shown here for meeting women when I was single. The "Steve" in the title is Steve McQueen, as in: emulating the cool of Steve McQueen to impress women. Apparently, it works!
Unbreakable - **** - Bruce Willis is a man born with immunity from everything, including injury, but he never realized it. When he is the lone survivor of a train wreck - and without a stratch to show for it - he attracts the attention of Samuel L. Jackson, a comic book collector who has brittle bone disease: the exact opposite physically.
GOOD (worth seeing if the above movies are unavailable)
Castaway - *** - In an overblown attempt by Tom Hanks to get an Academy Award, Hanks is a castaway on a deserted island, and must fend for himself while also trying to keep his sanity. Every 5 minutes or so, he injures himself, making the task even more difficult. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder about Hanks, since this was an entertaining movie. But, it would be nice if he did a movie once in a while that wasn't clearly aimed at getting himself an Oscar.
The Crew - ***1/2 - Sort of a "Grumpy Old Mafioso", with retired members of the mob hooking up in a retirement community in Florida for one last big job.
Down To Earth - ***1/2 - Chris Rock plays a man taken to Heaven before his time. He's sent back as a wealthy old white man, but he can't keep from being himself, even in the most inopportune moments. A charming, modern retelling of "Heaven Can Wait".
Dude, Where's My Car? - *** - Yes, that's right: I gave this movie the same rating as "Castaway." A really dumb movie with an intricate plot about two stoners who had the night of their life but can't remember anything about it because they were so wasted. As they look for their missing car, they piece together the details of what happened, and find that they are at the middle of something big. As with "Half Baked", I probably enjoyed this movie more than I should have because I was in a similar condition at the time.
Gone in 60 Seconds - ***1/2 - Nicholas Cage and a talented cast (Giovanni Ribisi, Angelina Jolie, Vinny Jones) make the most of a ridiculous premise: stealing 50 cars in a single evening. Most of it is hard to believe, but this is entertaining if you sit back and enjoy the ride.
Little Nicky - *** - Adam Sandler plays the inept son of the devil who tries to stop his two evil (well, REALLY evil) brothers from overthrowing his father. The minor characters in this are a real hoot, particularly the two death metal dudes who follow Nicky around.
The Replacements - ***1/2 - Hokey but entertaining look at pro football replacement players when the real players go on strike. Keanu Reaves is the star quarterback with confidence issues.
EH... (meaning: who cares?)
Duece Bigalow, American Giggalo - ** - Dumb, sometimes funny tale of a pool cleaner (Rob Schneider) who ends up smashing the very expensive aquarium of at a house he's watching. The only way to raise the cash to pay for a new aquarium - of course - is to take on the job of of a giggalo.
KAKA (trust me on this)
The Wedding Planner - * - Jennifer Lopez is a wedding planner, while Matthew McConaughey is the groom; sparks fly...or at least, they're supposed to. Ignition never happens, though, because the whole thing is so mind-numbingly stupid. That, and sappy music is the backdrop to EVERY scene. This is one of the films that was shown as an example of how Hollywood is rushing scripts out in anticipation of the writers' strike, and it definitely shows. But, hey, if you like that sort of thing, go for it!
Star Theater in Southfield: *****; No, this isn't a movie.
It's better than
that: it's the way all movies should be seen! The huge
movie marquee is
reminiscent of the grand 1940s style marquees. Valet
parking is available
(for$4). Inside, there are message boards that display
all the movie times, and
which movies have sold out (which happens frequently).
There are so many
theaters, however, that movies play every hour or so.
If you miss a movie, your
brief wait can be taken up by watching the movie preview
screens, playing
state-of-the-art video games, or by looking at the movie
memorabilia that is
through, ala Planet Hollywood. The concessions stand
also has more than the
standard popcorn and $5 giant candy. There are also curly
fries, chicken
fingers, better-than-usual nachos, and soft pretzels,
among others. The
theaters themselves are stadium-style, so the woman with
the huge hat in front
of you won't block your view. Seats are wide and rock
for maximum comfort, and
cup-holders are built into the arm rest. And, if you
decide you want a snack, a
mini concession stand is in each theater. Finally, and
most importantly, the
beautiful sound and visual quality is second to none.
The screens are large and
curved to ensure a good view. Speakers are in the front,
as well as along the
sides and in the rear of the theater. Movie going at
the Star Theater in
Southfield is truly an immersive experience.
